A Guide to Las Vegas
Have you ever seen a video of Trump acting a damn fool on TV, then turned around to see a huge gold building with his name on it and thought, “What the fuck?”
Or what about this:
Have you ever seen a car almost get slammed in an intersection, then turned around to a midget asking you if you saw it too? Honestly, I wasn’t sure when he asked me. Almost car crash, then 180 right into a midget like it was a Tony Hawk Underground 2 trick chain. It was nuts.
That moment recalibrated my whole shit. I talked to Randall, the midget security guard for probably 25 minutes. We talked about wrestling, New York, and ass. He was the first person I met in Vegas and he set the standard. I was a kid again, immediately.
That’s Vegas.
Let’s cut through the bullshit and rail a white line of facts:
Is prostitution legal in Las Vegas? I was disheartened to find out that it IS NOT legal. That does not mean it’s impossible to find. I had a friend who had a call girl sent to his room at Circus Circus and according to him, a blowjob will run you about $1,600. (He says it was the best blowjob he’d ever had. For $1,600 it goddamn better be. You do have to wear a condom with prostitutes, and if they say you don’t have to, put two on. I’m kidding, two condoms greatly increases their chances of rupturing.)
Isn’t that prostitution? Not in Vegas. You’re paying $800 for their time. You’re booking in-room entertainment. Once she is in your room, it’s up to you to decide what the entertainment is. It’s up to her how much it costs. What happens in the room, stays in the room (except your $1,600).
That’s Vegas.
Gambling is legal in Vegas! That means easy money. Drop a quarter in a slot machine and hand me my millions, I’m in motherfucking Las Vegas!
Wrong. The slot machines use a Random Number Generator (RNG). The second you put your money in and hit the button you’ve lost. The rest is just a light show to distract you from the fact you’ve just handed the casino a dollar, or whatever the case may be.
But it’s almost 2021, and that means science, facts, and figures are coming back. Here are the payback percentage stats based on location:
Penny Slots:
North Las Vegas (You will be stabbed by a meth tweaker after winning.) you have a 90% payback percentage, but a 100% mugging percentage.
Boulder Strip (These are casinos for locals who hate themselves. These have shopping mall food courts for food options.) you have an 89% payback percentage, but I guarantee you food poisoning or your stay is free.
Downtown (Also called Fremont, this is Old Vegas. Great aesthetic for photography, until you realize you’re walking through striking casino employees.) you have a little less than 89% payback percentage, but now you’ve entered the world of an “experience”. You will be given free alcohol, as long as you’re gambling. There are things to do and see here, but stay in well-lit areas. If you are a woman, don’t get caught alone in the dark. Vegas has a crime rate over 191% higher than the national average.
The Strip (You are paying for luxury and ambience here.) you have an 88% payback percentage. That being said, everything is more expensive here. While you do get free drinks while gambling, you will not leave with more money. Walking from casino to casino you will be harassed by a variety of street folk; drug dealers, prostitutes, scammers, homeless, etc. DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THEM. You have a 1/19 chance of being the victim of a crime on the strip so stay smart, stay sober, or stay in your hotel’s casino and go wild.
$25 Slots:
The Strip will give you a 96.5% payback percentage, but keep in mind you’re paying $25 to push a button. They do this because the more you win, the more you spend. The casinos on the strip have great places to spend. Luxury brands like Luis Vuitton, Chanel, and The M&M Store are within walking distance from anywhere.
Downtown will give you a 96% payback for the same reason. They want you to be dropping $25/minute. They’ll give you all the free cocktails you want in order to assist with that. So, what if you win a jackpot? You just spent $1,500 in an hour and there are hundreds of “you” in here. The casino can not lose, so wins aren’t as rare as you may think. Great dining options out here and the Fremont Experience is in fact worth it. Again, don’t talk to strangers, idiot.
Boulder Strip will give you 91% payback percentage on $25 slots. They don’t care about you, because you don’t care about you. If you cared about you, you wouldn’t be on the Boulder Strip.
I don’t gamble. Any local with any sense will say they don’t gamble. Any casino employee will tell you they don’t gamble. BUT if you’re on vacation you deserve to act the idiot.
Here’s how you excel at Vegas idiocy:
1. Get your FitBit ready because you’re about to put some highway miles on it.
2. Get to EggSlut inside the Cosmopolitan Hotel and Casino on the Strip for a powerful breakfast.
The Cosmo is one of the newest hotels and it certainly looks like it. You’ll have the option of checking out most of the famous luxury clothing brands here.
3. Walk over to the Bellagio for the fountains (This is only improved by weed, but weed tolerance is subjective and I’m not telling anyone to do drugs. All of these things are just as enjoyable sober). The fountains go every 15 minutes. It’s great during the day and it’s only better at night. This is something you’d have no problem seeing multiple times. I’m a straight-man, but for those 5 minutes you’ll go gay for these fountains. Lights, fountains, show tunes, Vegas; it all makes sense. For those 5 minutes problems don’t exist.
4. From here you can explore the Strip. Here are some things to consider:
New York New York is cool as shit. It’s a city indoors with neat shops and food. It has a
roller coaster and a statue of liberty for photos. The best photo is a 35mm shot from across the street to get the whole image of condensed New York.
Now that you’re across the street taking the picture, might as well turn around and go inside MGM Grand. This one is just opulence, and the M&M Store is just a hop, jump, skip, and gallop away. Everything is huge and luxurious. It truly is grand. You could do a whole day here. They have a TopGolf, great pool experience, 4-star dining options, a comedy club, and just a bunch of touristy shit that’s fun on vacation.
Mandalay Bay, Aria, Caesar’s Palace, Paris, The Luxor, and Cosmopolitan are all worth a walk-through. You can just walk into any casino and they’re open 24/7 (Understand the crime problem now? Ignore the homeless. You will see them, it’s unavoidable. It feels wrong to just ignore people, coming from the South. First thing you need to realize is, this is not the South. These people do not care about you, so don’t care about them. You’re on vacation.)
5. You’re done with the strip, so get a ride over to El Cortez. It’s gambling time, might as well do it in the oldest casino in Vegas. One of the only with 1-deck classic Blackjack. Have a set amount of money. You’re not going to win it back. Consider it gone. You’re paying $100 for entertainment and an experience. You don’t take a girl to a movie and expect to leave with more money, this is the same thing. You’re paying for the experience of doing something you can’t do anywhere else in the world. Smoke cigarettes indoors, drink free alcohol, and have a great time. Casinos are the last bastions of true freedom. As long as you don’t encroach on someone else’s good time, you will not be stopped or bothered. (Pro tip: DO NOT set anything on a table top game. They will shout at you. Only thing above the table should be your hands. Also, don’t grab your chips until the dealer tells you to.)
6. End of night. Have fun here. Walk through the Art District to MedMen and get some weed, it’s legal. Legal weed doesn’t mean cheap weed. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. There is nothing surprising about a $60 8th here. Best weed deals are at The Apothecary Shoppe, but that’s out of
the way. MedMen is the Apple Store of weed. It’s a good walk. Don’t be a hero, just get the pre- rolls. The infused pre-rolls will euthanize you. Don’t start your vacation off like that. Edibles come in 100mg packs no matter what you get. 100mg is more than enough for a first-timer. It takes about 45 minutes to kick in. If you’ve never done an edible before but already ate the whole pack, you can’t die, but you sure can feel like death isn’t the worst thing that could happen.
If you decide to visit Vegas, 3 days is perfect if you plan on staying within Vegas. That will leave you wanting to come back. 5 days will be good if you plan on leaving Vegas for things like The Hoover Dam, Red Rocks, etc.
Now that we’ve covered a good day in Vegas, what does a bad day in Vegas look like?
It rains, roughly, once every 221 days. Bad weather days don’t exist. Summer days can be hot as Satan’s microwave, but no matter how much you prepare, you aren’t ready for the wind. It blew my hat off and I looked ridiculous chasing it down the street, I’m sure.
Don’t argue with anyone because they have guns in Tennessee, but they have shootings in Vegas. Casino shootings are so common that they only bother reporting on them if there’s a video.
I know you want to be healthy and save the environment, but Vegas is not the place to bike. Last week two bicyclists were killed. One was bricked from a moving vehicle and killed, the other was just an accident. It happens, but it happens here a lot. Always walk with the traffic coming towards you if you’re on a more narrow path because you don’t want anything coming from behind you. If you do feel the need to bike, go to a park. The price of admission to a park is a lot less than the price of having a 2021 Ford Bronco towed out of your asshole.
In conclusion, come visit fabulous Las Vegas. It will either be the greatest vacation of your life, or the last thing you ever do. That’s the gamble.
That’s Vegas.